Top Secret! (1984)
Val Kilmer (Nick Rivers), Lucy Gutteridge (Hillary), Christopher Villiers (Nigel), Omar Sharif (Cedric), Peter Cushing (Bookstore Owner), Warren Clarke (Colonel Von Horst), Michael Gough (Dr. Paul Flammond), Jeremy Kemp (General Streck), Harry Ditson (Du Quois), Jim Carter (Déja Vu), Eddie Tagoe (Chocolate Mousse), Dimitri Andreas (Latrine), Sydney Arnold (Albert Potato), Richard Bonehill (the Scarecrow), Jim Abrahams and David and Jerry Zucker (German soldiers)
C-91 mins.
Producer: Frederick Zollo, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker, Jon Davison, Jim Abrahams, Hunt Lowry
Director: David Zucker, Jerry Zucker, Jim Abrahams (ZAZ)
Screenplay: David Zucker, Jerry Zucker, Martyn Burke, Jim Abrahams
Art Direction: John Fenner, Michael Lamont
Cinematography: Jack Lowin, Christopher G. Challis
Editing: Bernard Gribble
Music: Maurice Jarre

"This movie will cheerfully go for a laugh wherever one is even remotely likely to be found. It has political jokes and boob jokes, dog poop jokes, and ballet jokes …. The dance sequence in the East Berlin nightclub develops into something Groucho Marx would have been proud of. The malt shop musical number demolishes a whole tradition of Elvis Presley numbers. And how the ballerina makes her exit in Swan Lake will, I feel confident, be discussed for years wherever codpieces are sold." — Roger Ebert

Before he went to pot, Val Kilmer was a pretty good actor. His very first top-billed starring role was in Top Secret!, a typical Abrahams-Zucker brothers (ZAZ) parody/satire which, like Airplane! before it, throws so many wacky aural and sight gags at the viewer that he’s bound to laugh at something.

Actually, though, Top Secret! isn’t that typical; in fact, I think it’s better than anything else ZAZ have done. Sure, a gag may cause a groan, but just wait around because something funny will be along soon. Time and again ZAZ have proven themselves to be masters of comic timing in the film medium.

This, in my view, is Kilmer’s best movie. As with all actors in ZAZ comedies, he just plays it straight and the humor comes rolling out. And, mirabile dictu, he sings and dances very well. He could have become a master of light comedy, like Cary Grant, but unlike Grant he brought that leaden method-acting approach to too many of his later serious roles and neglected to continue developing his comedic talents.

Nevertheless, we shouldn’t overlook those pluperfect song parodies of Elvis, the Beach Boys, Little Richard, and others, performed flawlessly by Kilmer.

"So what’s the film about?" you may ask. You may ask, but don’t expect a coherent answer, because one isn’t possible. The Movie Critic gamely tries, though:

Top Secret! phenomenally distinguishes itself from other parodies of the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker trio. Even their other (earlier) films carry their typical humor, but it was never so excellently blended with masterful comic direction, rhythm of the story and passionate details like here. All scenes are fantastic fun — the viewers are so glued to the screen that they can only feel pity that they are not a part of the movie — while some jokes literally cause stomach pain. They deliberately mixed up the ’40s and ’50s, the Nazi era and the era of East Germany, but since this a parody of World War II films set in its own universe, it works either way. The scene of the fight under water and the visit to the library with Peter Cushing where every movement is filmed in reverse even today cause amazement of the technique with which they were filmed. Some crude bits of humor and innuendo are bothersome, but whenever they are childishly naive the film is a blast and enjoys cult status (and the German dub is even funnier). Top Secret! is arguably even the best parody in the career of the trio: the jokes with the cow in the boots or Chocolate Mousse throwing a grappling hook that accidentally also grabs his colleague and throws him up to the wall are hilarious as ever. — From the Movie Critic website

Still confused? Good, because that’s just what ZAZ want.

Here’s some dialogue from the film; let this be a warning:

"My uncle was born in America."
"Oh, really?"
"But he was one of the lucky ones. He managed to escape in a balloon during the Jimmy Carter presidency."
—–
[Asked if she knows any German] "I know a little German. He’s sitting over there."
—–
"Nigel, what are you saying?"
"How do we know he’s NOT Mel Tormé?"
—–
"Is this the potato farm?"
"Yes, I’m Albert Potato."
—–
"People change … hairstyles change … interest rates fluctuate …."
—–
[Listening to a German teaching tape] "Die Sauerkraut ist in mein Lederhosen."
—–
[People sing the East German national anthem]
"Hail, hail East Germany
"Land of fruit and grape
"Land where you’ll regret
"If you try to escape
"No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall
"Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn’t first."
—–
"Hillary. That’s an unusual name."
"It’s a German name. It means ‘she whose bosoms defy gravity’."
"I’m pleased to meet you. My name’s Nick."
"Nick? What does that mean?"
"Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving."
—–
[The Underground leader introduces his men]
"This is Chevalier, Montage, Détente, Avant Garde, and Déja Vu."
[Déja Vu eyes Nick suspiciously] "Haven’t we met before?"
"I don’t think so."
"Over there, Croissant, Soufflé, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse."
—–
[Two spies exchange recognition code phrases]
"Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?"
"In women’s tennis, I always root against the heterosexual."
—–
"If they find out you’ve seen this, your life will be worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory."
—–
[Latrine throws a dead pigeon on the table]
"We have a traitor in our midst!"
"Well done, Latrine. I see that you have taken care of him appropriately."
"Not the bird, you fool! This is a carrier pigeon on its way to German Headquarters."
—–
[A Shetland pony is singing and then starts coughing]
"What’s wrong with him?"
"Oh, he caught a cold last week and he’s just a little hoarse."
—–
"They’re still working on him. He won’t break. We’ve tried everything! Do you want me to bring out the Leroy Nieman paintings?"
"No. We cannot risk violating the Geneva Convention!"
—–
"Listen to me, Hillary. I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground."
"I know. It all sounds like some bad movie."
[There is a long pause. Then both slowly turn and look at the camera]

And we haven’t even mentioned the
sight gags that fill this movie: the giant telephone, the elaborate scale model of the objective (complete with working railroad signals), the falling German soldier, the book store sequence (a minor masterpiece), the parachuting fireplace, and so on.

If you’ve never seen the inexplicably obscure Top Secret!, you’re in for a treat.

~~~~~~~~~~~

—Mike Gray

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~