If you exist inside the pages of a detective novel and have aspirations of committing the perfect crime, you would do well to take the following advice from the perspicacious members of the The Golden Age of Detective Fiction Forum. They know whereof they speak.
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What Not to Do — a Guide for Murderers (with case notes)
Over the last century detective fiction has provided us with many examples of aspiring criminals who were caught out through their inability to observe a few simple rules. For the improvement of the art, we hereby offer these guidelines, with references:
* Do not invite an eminent detective to look into the case in order to ‘lull their suspicions’. As a novice murderer trying out a new method, the last person you need sniffing around is an experienced investigator with a perfect record. Invite daft Auntie Vera or that mad bloke you met in a pub to look into it instead, so that they can trample the clues and destroy the evidence before the Great Detective arrives.
* If you have to hide the murder weapon somewhere nearby immediately after the crime, go back later and move it somewhere else. Just because a dim Superintendent takes ages to get around to looking for it doesn’t mean he won’t find it eventually. (Georgette Heyer – They Found Him Dead, Death in the Stocks)
* Corpses should be disposed of simply and quickly. While the temptation to make some creative and original use of the deceased may be well-nigh irresistible, it only leads to trouble in the end. (Dorothy L. Sayers – Whose Body?)
* Do not commit a murder aboard a train, plane or boat on which Hercule Poirot, the most brilliant detective in Europe, is also travelling. He will inevitably spot the culprit. (The same rule applies to parties and country weekends.) (Agatha Christie – Murder on the Orient Express, etc.)
* If the detective is present when the murder is committed, make every attempt possible to murder him (or, in the case of Mrs. Bradley, her). If not successful, try, try, again. Do not wait until the detective sets a trap for the criminal, with himself as bait; he knows who you are by this time, and will almost certainly have told the police. Kill the detective as soon as possible.
* Do not commit a murder in a locked room. This is simply too much work. Wait in a dark alley with a big stick instead.
* Do not invite the detective into your home so you can ‘keep an eye on them’ (Hulbert Footner – Easy to Kill). Your home is where the clues are. Keep an eye on them by sending them with your trusted confederate on a South Seas cruise, preferably in a crate labelled ‘This Way Up’.
* Do not store money, love letters, or incriminating evidence in any bag, box, or case which could be confused with another bag, box, or case in the immediate vicinity (Hugh Clevely – Reunion in Florida). This is just asking for it. Any item which needs to be handy for a quick getaway should be uniquely identifiable and clearly labelled.
* Never assume that a detective is dying or dead unless you have personally examined the lifeless corpse and attended the post-mortem (Hulbert Footner – Easy to Kill). Even then be alert for twins or doubles. Series detectives in particular are notoriously reluctant to die.
* Do not keep a diary which explains exactly how and why you committed your otherwise inexplicable crimes. This is just tempting fate. Let the detective work it out for him/herself.
* Do not dress up as a ghost or zombie and attempt to scare credulous locals away from the scene of your crimes (Elizabeth Daly – Evidence of Things Seen). It will just attract attention from the police, the investigator, and the local Society for Psychical Research, plus every teenager in the neighbourhood.
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There now. See how easy it is? If you would simply bear these few caveats in mind, you should have no trouble whatsoever in committing the perfect crime. Bon chance, mon ami!
— Mike Gray
Chris–Your traditional puzzle-style mystery sounds interesting. It’s another example of how publishers seem to prefer hardboiled over puzzle-oriented mysteries. Have you published a chapter online that our readers might view and perhaps send a note to your publisher indicating interest in reading the full novel, to generate greater interest in their publishing it, if it isn’t already in their pipeline?
To Bob:
You’re welcome.
To all:
If any of you are interested in early crime/detective fiction (roughly from Poe to the 1970s), you can join The Golden Age of Detective Fiction group here:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GAdetection/
They have a huge database of information to which members can freely contribute.
To Lars:
It looks at the moment like your TV.com link didn’t come through “hot,” so I’ll try to heat it up (no guarantees):
http://www.tv.com/lamb-to-the-slaughter/episode/41003/summary.html
— Mike
The Hitchcock episode you are thinking of was called “Lamb to the Slaughter,” and was written by Roald Dahl, who also wrote the story it was based on. (http://www.tv.com/lamb-to-the-slaughter/episode/41003/summary.html)
Diskojoe sez:
I remember reading somewhere that the perfect crime would be to bop someone on the head w/a frozen piece of meat, a leg of lamb, let’s say, & then preparing it as part of a dinner for the policeman, thus destroying the evidence.
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I remember this as a television episode–perhaps on ‘Alfred Hitchcock Presents.’
I remember an episode, too, wherein someone kills with a piece of ice–then lets the ice melt. Voila! No more weapon.
Thanks for the entertaining post, Mr. G.
Bob
If I ever become a murderer, and get the detective in my clutches, I will kill him immediately, rather than tying him to a chair and giving him a long lecture about how clever I’ve been.
I always wanted to write an “English” mystery novel, but the closest I ever came to it was one titled VANISHING LADY by Chris O’Grady, which hasn’t yet been published. My current just-published novel THE FOREVER GIRL (ISBN # 1606939939) set in Las Vegas is one of the hard-boiled private eye sort, a long way from a locked room.
I remember reading somewhere that the perfect crime would be to bop someone on the head w/a frozen piece of meat, a leg of lamb, let’s say, & then preparing it as part of a dinner for the policeman, thus destroying the evidence.