EULOGY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE AS DELIVERED BY HIS COUSIN, MR. INTELLECT
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense took a beating when homeowners couldn’t defend themselves from a burglar in their own homes, yet the burglar could sue them for assault.
Common Sense began losing the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his three estranged stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Somebody Else Is To Blame, and I’m Just A Victim Of Society.
As I look around, I see that attendance at this service is sparse because so few realize he is gone.
Requiescat in pace, old friend.